Funny Things Ever Said In Court - The Wild West Version

The Facts

The Court: "How is this, Mr. Johnson? The last time you were here you consented to be sworn and now you simply make affirmation."
Mr. Johnson: "Well, your Honor, The reason is that I suspect I ain't quite so sure about the facts of this case as the other."

The Hat

A prisoner was tried for murder and part of the circumstantial evidence was a found at the scene of the crime.
Counsel for the defense pressed upon the jury that the hat was a very common one and did not necessarily belong to the defendant even know he was known to own one identical.
He told the jury:

"You gentlemen, no doubt each possess such hat, of the ordinary make and shape. Beware how you condemn a fellow creature to a shameful death on such a piece of evidence."

The defendant was acquitted but just before he left the prisoners dock he turned to the judge and said:

"If you please my Lord, may I have my hat?"

Witnesses

Justice: "You are charged with stealing chickens. Have you any witnesses?"
Accused: "I hope not. I don't steal chickens before witnesses."

Chasing Chaste

Apparently the following exchange occurred in 1885 in a court situated in Lawrence County, Mississippi.
Mrs. Dinah Smith was being charged with adultery. The prosecution called Mr. Richard Sims.

Attorney: "Is defendant a chaste women?"
Richard Sims: "Yes sir. She is very much chased - two or three men were after her all the time."

Divine Silence

One day well over 100 years ago before Judge Cleary of Kentucky, a local thief was convicted of stealing mules. He protested his innocence at every turn but he was not believed by the jury who immediately returned a verdict of guilty.
Before passing sentence, Judge Cleary asked the thief if he had anything to say.
It turns out he did:

"I am innocent and I ask God to strike me dead if I am not!"

Judge Cleary paused for a long moment, as an awkward moment of silence prevailed in the courtroom.
Then, abruptly, Judge Cleary pronounced the sentence but his first words were:

"As the Almighty has not seen proper to comply with your request, the sentence of this Court is...."

A Prayer Meeting or Something

According to the New York Weekly, circa 1889, an accused got off with an acquittal after his lawyer made the following submissions:

"Gentlemen of the jury, according to all the testimony presented, the evidence against my client is purely circumstantial.
"The murder was committed and the autopsy showed that the deceased had been hit by a club. A few persons saw my client standing over the prostrate man. My client had a club in his hand. The club was bloody.
"He was seen to strike or, I should say, gently tap the prostrate man a few times that the aforesaid club but, gentlemen of the jury, remember the injustice which has been done in the sad, regretted, unrecoverable past and be cautious. Remember the hundreds of innocent men who would have suffered unjustly if, at the last moment, some happy circumstance had not thrown doubt on their guilt.
"Now, gentlemen, it is very evident to me that my client, in returning to his peaceful home from a prayer meeting or something, just happened to see the deceased committing suicide by beating himself on the head with a club, and my benevolent client, true to instincts of humanity, rushed up, jerked the fatal club way, and playfully patted him with it as an injunction that he should not try to commit suicide again."

Deaf to Reason

At a jury selection, one of the prospective jurors gave every sign of not wanting to serve. When asked for his reason, the juror replied:

"I'm deaf, your honor; so deaf I really don't believe I could possibly hear more than one side of the case."

14 years

In Cincinnati, a lawyer was really getting carried away in court when he shouted this closing statement:

"All I demand for my client is justice!"

The judge calmly replied:

"I am very sorry I can't accommodate you. The law won't allow me to give your client more than 14 years."

Can I See Him Alone?

According to  14 Crim. L. Rep. & Rep. 629 (1892), a suspected murderer appeared before the court.

Accused: Is this my lawyer?
Judge: Yes.
Accused: Is he going to defend me?
Judge: Yes.
Accused: If he should die, could I have another?
Judge: Yes.
Accused: Can I see him alone for a few minutes?

My Wife

According to the now defunct newspaper, the Chicago Daily Inter-Ocean (1865-1914), this exchange occurred in a local court, circa 1891:

Judge: have you told your wife about this?
O'Brien: No, sir.
Judge: Well, I will fine you $25 and I will suspend the fine providing you tell your wife about it. Will you do it?
O'Brien: Well, I guess, Judge, you had better let the fine stand. You don't know my wife.

Fecundity

Judge: Although I find you a fecund liar, I will not send you to prison."
Scottish prisoner: Thank you, Yourrr Honourrr, and you'rrre a fecund good judge!"

The Brick

In 1631, Chief Justice Richardson of England I just condemned a felon to death when a brick suddenly emerged from under the clothing of the convicted, and he hurled it at the judge. But at that very moment, the judge had stooped over and the brick only knock off his hat. The event can be found recorded in the law reports at Dyer 188b.
Justice Richardson quipped:

"You see, now, if I had been an upright judge, I had been slain."

As for the prisoner, he immediately had his hand cut off and he was then hung in open court, which was at that time, the punishment for making any attempt on the safety and security of the court.

3+4=7

The following exchange is reported as having occurred in Paris where the bench was comprised of three judges. The president of the court turned to his colleague on his right and asked for a suggestion. "Three years", said the judge. The president then turned to his other associate who suggested "four years." Then, the presiding judge turned to the prisoner:

"Prisoner, not desiring to give you a long and severe term of imprisonment, as I should have done if left to myself, I have consulted my learned brothers and shall take their advice. Seven years."

The Judge

According to the German magazine Fliegende Blactter, South African authorities had quite a time with aboriginal Africans who practised murder for the purposes of cannibalism.
To sharply discourage the practice, many aboriginals were sentenced to death.
As was customary, one judge asked the prisoner what he would like to have by way of a last meal:

Judge: Is there any particular dish you would like? You have the right to ask it.
Prisoner: Yes. The judge.

I Am Curious

The Green Bag was a law journal published in Boston in the 1890s. One of the issues reported this exchange in court between a judge and a repeat offender pickpocket:

Accused: Your Honor, I should like to have my case continued for a week as my lawyer is ill.
Judge: But you were captured with your hand in this gentleman's pocket. What can your counsel say in your defense?
Accused: "Precisely so your honor. That is what I am curious to know.

That Depends

A judge had this exchange with the prisoner arraigned for vagrancy.

Judge: What is your employment?
Accused: Walking, sir.
Judge: Where do you walk?
Accused: Well, that's according to which way the policeman is coming from.

Who Saw The Bullet?

Unfortunately, the source for this (2 Crim. L. Mag. 99, 1881) does not reveal whether this brilliant oration gained this Chicago lawyer's client an acquittal on a charge of killing a dog:

"Gentlemen of the jury, You have heard the witness swear he saw the prisoner raise his gun. You have heard him swear he saw the flash and heard the report. You have heard him swear he saw the dog fall dead. You have heard him swear he dubbed the bullet out with his jackknife. And you have seen the bulletin produced in court.
"But where, gentlemen, where, I ask you, is the man who saw that bullet hit that dog?"

Washed and Combed

Any lawyer who has ever represented a client in criminal court Will tell you that it is essential that the client come to court properly attired. I once saw an accused person stand up when his name was called wearing a T-shirt on which was imprinted the words "FUCK YOU". He was told in no uncertain terms to come back within the hour with other clothing or he would be held in contempt of court. This, of course, was a great start for his lawyer ... not!
In 1891, things were apparently not much different; consider this summation by defense counsel to the jury:

"And now, gentlemen, I leave this poor persecuted innocents caused in your hands with this last prayer: when you get to your room, when you deliberate upon your verdict, do not, I beg of you, allow yourself to be influenced by my clients present exterior, but imagine him washed and combed."

The Acquittal Carries

According to the Indianapolis Journal, and at the turn of the 19th century, a certain political party is having difficulty finding a candidate to stand for election as a judge in Marion County, Indiana. They managed to find an old man few knew and who, to everybody's surprise was elected.
Then the problems started as he was convened to preside over a trial for some alleged criminal offense. The old man evidently had never been inside a courtroom but he accepted the highest chair and waited for the police officer, the defense lawyer and the prisoner to be seated before standing up and saying:

"Gentlemen, what is the object of this meeting?"

Luckily for the accused, the defense attorney quickly rose and said:

"Your Honor, I understand the meeting to be for the purpose of holding or discharging the prisoner at the bar. I moved that the prisoner be discharged."

The newly elected judge asked if there was a seconder to the motion and found that the accused himself quickly seconded it.
Thinking he was doing a marvelous job, the new judge repeated the motion and asked for a vote on the motion to which both the defense counsel and the prisoner emphatically stated "aye". The police officer feebly at almost questioningly peeped up with a faint "nay". The judge declared the motion carried and the accused was set free!

The Healing Judge

An English judge known as Lord George Bramwell (1808-1892), had before him a lawyer and the accused, the offence charged being shoplifting.

Lawyer: My Lord, my client is not a common thief. He is suffering from kleptomania.
Lord Bramwell: Why, counsellor, that is exactly the disease I am here to cure!

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