Stupid Joke's Part 6

Flatulence

Mr. Youngman was brought to the lounge of the nursing home to await his son. Since he was especially frail, the nurse was never far from his side.

As it happened, at least once every minute the ninty-year-old would tilt slightly to one side; as soon as he did so, the nurse hurried over and straightened him right up.
Finally Mr. Youngman’s son arrived.
“Well pop,” he said, “how’re they treating you here?”
He replied, “The food’s fine and the accomodations are even better- but there is one thing.
“What’s that?”
Cocking his eyes over his shoulder, he said, “It’s that nurse over there. She won’t let me fart!”

Boom

Q: What goes peck, peck, peck, boom?

A: A chicken in a minefield.

Squish

Q: What did the grape say when the elephant stepped on it?

A: Nothing, it just let out a little wine.

Drink it Up

Perhaps the most notorius drunk of all was the one who saw the billboard that read, “Drink Canada Dry.”  He went there and did.

Death

“David,” said the glum-faced young man. “I’m so sorry! I heard your Uncle Oscar fell from a cliff. Were you close to him?”

“Just close enough to give him a push,” answed David.

Human Cannonball

One day, the human cannonball decided he should retire from the circus.

As it turned out, the human cannonball that replaced him was hired and fired the same night.

Bird and Cat

“Julie!” screamed her mother, “why are you feeding birdseed to the cat?”

“I have to,” Julie replied. “That’s where my canary is.”

Cannibals

Then there was this cannibal who went to a shrink because he was fed up with people.

Cannibals

One cannibal says to the other, “Ya know, I really can’t stand my wife.”

“To heck with her then,” said the other, “just eat the noodles!”

Kid’s Bathroom

“Mom,” little Alexander asked, “Does Jesus use our bathroom?”

“No,” his mother said, “Why do you ask?”
“Cause every morning, daddy kicks the bathroom door and yells, “Christ, you still in there?!?”
 

Hearing Aid

“Hey Bob, what did you do today? asked Joe.

“I bought the newest hearing aid in the whole world! It cost me over $1,000 dollars!” exclaimed Bob.
“Where did you get it?” Joe asked.
Bob looks at his watch and says,” Ummm, half past four.”

Deer 1

Q: What do you call a deer with no eyes?

A: No eye deer.  (No idea)

Deer 2

Q: What do you call a deer with no eyes or legs?

A: Still no eye deer.

Deer 3

Q: What do you call a deer with no eyes, legs, and is cut in half ?

A: Still half no eye deer.

Chinese Baby

One day, a couple adopted a Chinese baby. A few days later, they took up a Chinese language class. The guy in charge of the language class asked them why they decided to learn Chinese. The couple simply answered,” We want to be able to understand our child when he starts talking.”

Cannibals

Two cannibals were eating a clown, and one turns to the other and says, “Does this taste funny to you?”