Stupid Joke's Part 1

Stupid Chemistry Joke

I’d tell another chemistry joke, but all the good ones Argon.

Stupid Hunting Joke

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn’t seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other man pulls out his cell phone and calls emergency services.
He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?” The operator in a calm, soothing voice replies: “Take it easy. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard.
Back on the phone, the hunter says, “OK, now what?”

Funny Mechanic Joke

Mechanic: “Sorry sir, but I couldn’t fix your brakes. So I made your horn louder.”

Stupid Job Joke

Two men applied for the same position. They had the same qualifications. In order to determine which to hire, the applicants were asked to take a test. Both men missed only one of the questions. The manager said to the first applicant, “Thank you for your interest, but we’ve decided to give the job to the other applicant.”
“But why? We both answered 9 out of the 10 questions correctly,” said the rejected applicant.
“We based our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed,” said the manager. “Your fellow applicant put down for #5, ‘I don’t know the answer.’ You put down, ‘Neither do I.’

Funny Musician Joke

An orchestra was plagued by absences in all of their rehearsals. In fact, each member had missed at least one rehearsal except for one loyal oboe player. At the last dress rehearsal, the conductor took a moment from rehearsal to express his appreciation in the oboe player’s dedication towards attendance. The oboe player just smiled and said, “Well it’s the least I could do since I won’t be attending the performance.”

Stupid Antenna Joke

So, these two antennas were getting married.
The wedding was great, but the reception was terrible!

Funny Devil Joke

Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper?
He sold his soul to Santa…..

Funny doctor

The doctor told the patient, “You’re dying.”
The patient replied, “I want a second opinion.”
The doctor then said, “Okay, you’re ugly too.”

Funny Birthday Joke

A lady called a neighbor to extend birthday greetings in a song. After she sang “Happy Birthday,” she realized that she had dialed the wrong number.
“No need to excuse yourself,” said the voice on the other line. “You need all the practice you can get.”

Stupid Language Joke

The mouse was taking her offspring out in search of food when they were confronted by a cat. Immediately, the mouse began barking like a dog. Frightened, the cat ran away.
Turning back to her children, the mouse mother announced, “That shows you the importance of learning a second language!”
 

Stupid Watson Joke

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. “Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”
“And what do you deduce from that?”
Watson ponders for a minute. “Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you?
Holmes is silent for a moment. “Watson, you idiot!” he says. “Someone has stolen our tent!”

The Good ol’ Muffin Joke

Two muffins were sitting in the oven
One turns to the other and says, “Wow it’s hot in here!”
The other muffins says, “Woah! A talking muffin!!!”

The Barber Shop

A man walks into the barber shop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions about having a problem with close shaving around the cheeks. “I have just the thing,” says the barber. The barber reaches into his drawer and pulls out a small wooden ball. “Just place this thing between your cheeks and your gums.” Then the barber gives the man the closest shave he has ever had. When the shave was almost done, the man asked the barber, “What if I swallow this thing?” The barber smiled and said, “Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does.”

Blonde in Freezer

Q: What do you call a blonde in the freezer?
A: A frosted flake

A Blonde and Her Car

A blonde wanted to sell her car, so she called up her friend to see if she could have any help. The friend asked how many miles were on the car and the blonde said, “About 249,000 miles.” So the friend called up a mechanic who could put the mileage back to any number that was desired. So the blonde told him she wanted him to roll back the mileage to 40,000.
The next week the blonde’s friend called and asked if she had sold the car yet.
The blonde said,” Why would I want to sell my car? There are only 40,000 miles on it!”

Baby Oil

If corn oil is made from corn, and olive oil is made from olives, what is baby oil made of?

Sinking President George W. Bush

Q: George Bush is on a sinking boat . Who gets saved?
A: The nation

Lincoln, Nixon and Dubya

Q: What’s the difference between George Washington, Richard Nixon, and George W. Bush?
A: Lincoln couldn’t tell a tie, Nixon couldn’t tell the truth, and Bush doesn’t know the difference.

Pokeman Bathroom

1. Why shouldn’t you take a pokemon into the bathroom?
He might Pikachu.

For the Musicians

How do you make a bandstand?
Take away their chairs.
Did you hear about the cow that drank a whole bottle of ink and Mood Indigo?
What’s the range of a piccolo?
40 yards on a good day.
If a bagpipe and a piccolo were dropped out of a 20 story window, which one would hit the ground first?
Who cares.
If a piano player is called a pianist, then why isn’t a race car driver called a racist?