A Blonde and the Horse
So this blonde decides to try to go horseback riding even though she has no idea how to do it. One day, the blonde finds a horse and decides to try it out. She tries to mount the horse several times, but she fails each time. Finally, she successfully mounts the horse when it suddenly starts galloping at a rhythmic speed. Scared, the blonde starts to slowly slip off of the horse. At first, she tried grabbing the mane, but her hand slips and she heads closer to the ground. Then she reaches for the horse’s neck, but she kept slipping. Finally, the blonde decided that jumping off of the horse was the only way to get off. So she leaps but her foot gets caught in the stirrup and she is flung to the ground. By now, the blonde’s head was repeatedly slammed into the ground and she was at the mercy of the horse’s giant hooves. She was just about to lose consciousness when the most lucky thing happened to her:
Dave, an employee at Walmart, sees the situation and unplugs the horse.
Dave, an employee at Walmart, sees the situation and unplugs the horse.
Stupid New Priest
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.The monsignor replied, “When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.” So the next Sunday he took the monsignor’s advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceed to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass, he found the following note on his door:
1. Sip the Vodka, don’t gulp it.
2. There are 10 Commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 Disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus as the late J.C.
7. The Father, Son, and the Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the sh*t out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don’t say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the Cross as the Big T!
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, “Take this and eat it, for it is my body”, he did not say, “Eat Me”.
12. The Virgin Mary is not referred to as, “Mary with the Cherry”.
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: “Rub-A-dub-dub, thanks for the grub. Yeah God!”
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Peter’s, not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy’s.
1. Sip the Vodka, don’t gulp it.
2. There are 10 Commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 Disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus as the late J.C.
7. The Father, Son, and the Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the sh*t out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don’t say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the Cross as the Big T!
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, “Take this and eat it, for it is my body”, he did not say, “Eat Me”.
12. The Virgin Mary is not referred to as, “Mary with the Cherry”.
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: “Rub-A-dub-dub, thanks for the grub. Yeah God!”
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Peter’s, not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy’s.
Stupid Questions
If a person with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, would it be considered as a hostage situation?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
Is there another word for synonym?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone would clean them?
Why do they put Braille on drive-through bank machines?
How is it possible to have a “civil war?”
If one syncronized swimmer drowns, do the other swimmers drown too?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
Is there another word for synonym?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone would clean them?
Why do they put Braille on drive-through bank machines?
How is it possible to have a “civil war?”
If one syncronized swimmer drowns, do the other swimmers drown too?
Stupid and Funny Jokes About Children
Joke #1:
There was this one boy who was on someone’s doorstep on his tiptoes trying to reach the doorbell. A man sees the boy struggling and goes up to the boy.
“Would you like me to ring the doorbell for you?” asked the man
“Yes please,” the boy replied.
The man reached up and rang the doorbell and smiled at the boy. “Now what?” he asked.
“I don’t know about you sir,” said the boy, “but I’m gonna run like heck!”
Joke #2:
So there was this third grade teacher who was trying to get her students enthusiastic about the picture day.
“Remember to bring $5 and wear a nice outfit. In future years, you’ll love looking at these pictures. You’ll be able to say, “Hey! That’s Jessica! She became a nurse!” or That’s Robbie! He became a movie star!”
A student from the back of the class pitched in.
“And that’s the teacher! She’s dead!”
Joke #3:
A mother was sitting with her 6-month-old child on a train. A man across from them sat and stared at the child and finally said, “Man, that is one UGLY baby!’
Extremely upset, the women cried, “How could you say that?!? That is very horrible! You should be put in jail for saying something like that!”
A security guard came to the scene and asked the woman, “What’s the problem?”
Weeping and gasping for breath, the woman replied, “That man…so horrible….!
“Calm down, said the guard, “everything is going to be fine. The man is gone and there is no need to be worried. Relax. Would you like a glass of water?”
“Yes thank you,” replied the woman.
“Sure thing,” said the guard, “And you know what? I’ll even bring a banana for your monkey.”
There was this one boy who was on someone’s doorstep on his tiptoes trying to reach the doorbell. A man sees the boy struggling and goes up to the boy.
“Would you like me to ring the doorbell for you?” asked the man
“Yes please,” the boy replied.
The man reached up and rang the doorbell and smiled at the boy. “Now what?” he asked.
“I don’t know about you sir,” said the boy, “but I’m gonna run like heck!”
Joke #2:
So there was this third grade teacher who was trying to get her students enthusiastic about the picture day.
“Remember to bring $5 and wear a nice outfit. In future years, you’ll love looking at these pictures. You’ll be able to say, “Hey! That’s Jessica! She became a nurse!” or That’s Robbie! He became a movie star!”
A student from the back of the class pitched in.
“And that’s the teacher! She’s dead!”
Joke #3:
A mother was sitting with her 6-month-old child on a train. A man across from them sat and stared at the child and finally said, “Man, that is one UGLY baby!’
Extremely upset, the women cried, “How could you say that?!? That is very horrible! You should be put in jail for saying something like that!”
A security guard came to the scene and asked the woman, “What’s the problem?”
Weeping and gasping for breath, the woman replied, “That man…so horrible….!
“Calm down, said the guard, “everything is going to be fine. The man is gone and there is no need to be worried. Relax. Would you like a glass of water?”
“Yes thank you,” replied the woman.
“Sure thing,” said the guard, “And you know what? I’ll even bring a banana for your monkey.”
Stupid People Joke
Two men were digging a ditch on a very hot day. One said to the other, “Why are we down in this hole digging a ditch when our boss is up there in the shade of a tree?” “I don’t know,” replied the other, “I’ll go ask him.”
So he climbed out of the hole and went to his boss. “Why are we digging in the hot sun and you’re standig in the shade?” “Intelligence,” the boss said. “What’s intelligence?” asked the digger.
The boss said, “I’ll show you. I’ll put my hand on this tree and I want you to hit it with your fist as hard as you can.” The ditch digger took a mighty swing and tried to hit the boss’ hand. The boss removed his hand and the ditch digger hit the tree. The boss said, “That’s intelligence!”
The ditch digger went back to his hole. His friend asked, “What’d he say?” “He said we are down here because of intelligence.” “What’s intelligence?” his friend asked. The ditch digger put his hand on his face and said, “Take your shovel and hit my hand.”
So he climbed out of the hole and went to his boss. “Why are we digging in the hot sun and you’re standig in the shade?” “Intelligence,” the boss said. “What’s intelligence?” asked the digger.
The boss said, “I’ll show you. I’ll put my hand on this tree and I want you to hit it with your fist as hard as you can.” The ditch digger took a mighty swing and tried to hit the boss’ hand. The boss removed his hand and the ditch digger hit the tree. The boss said, “That’s intelligence!”
The ditch digger went back to his hole. His friend asked, “What’d he say?” “He said we are down here because of intelligence.” “What’s intelligence?” his friend asked. The ditch digger put his hand on his face and said, “Take your shovel and hit my hand.”
Really Stupid Deer Joke
Ok, so I live in this semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: Many deer were being hit by cars and he no loger wanted them to cross there.
Stupid Leg Joke
And then there was this kid who broke his leg and his father wrote on his cast: Good Luck! Break a Leg!
Long Funny Jokes
Q: How many elephants will fit into a Mini?
A: Four: Two in front, two in back
Q: How many giraffes will fit into a Mini?
A: None. It’s full of elephants.
Q: How do you get two whales in a Mini?
A: Along the M4 and and across the Sever Bridge.
Q: How do you know when there are two elephants in your refrigerator?
A: You can hear giggling when the light goes out.
Q: How do you know when there are three elephants in your refrigerator?
A: When you can’t close the door.
Q: How do you know when there are four elephants in your refrigerator?
A: When there is a Mini parked outside.
A: Four: Two in front, two in back
Q: How many giraffes will fit into a Mini?
A: None. It’s full of elephants.
Q: How do you get two whales in a Mini?
A: Along the M4 and and across the Sever Bridge.
Q: How do you know when there are two elephants in your refrigerator?
A: You can hear giggling when the light goes out.
Q: How do you know when there are three elephants in your refrigerator?
A: When you can’t close the door.
Q: How do you know when there are four elephants in your refrigerator?
A: When there is a Mini parked outside.
Idiot Test
Stupid Police Joke
Q: What did the police say to the crook?
A: We are police to meet you!
A: We are police to meet you!
Funny Fish Joke
Q: What do you call a fish with lgs?
A: A Two-knee fish!
A: A Two-knee fish!
Funny and Stupid Peacock Joke
Q:What’s green and blue and yellow and black?
A: A burnt peacock!
A: A burnt peacock!
Stupid Panda Joke
Q: What is white and black and flat?
A: A panda that’s been run over!
A: A panda that’s been run over!
Funny snail and turtle joke
Q: What did the snail say when he hitched a ride on the turtle’s back?
A: Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
A: Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
Funny Chicken joke
Here’s a pretty funny chicken joke:
Q: What did the chicken say when she saw scrambled eggs?
A: What a crazy, mixed up kid.
Q: What did the chicken say when she saw scrambled eggs?
A: What a crazy, mixed up kid.
Funny Chicken Feathers Joke
Q: Which side of the chicken has the most feathers?
A: The outside
A: The outside
Stupid Chicken Egg Joke
Q: What did Mr. and Mrs. Chicken call their baby?
A: Egg
A: Egg
Funny Cow Joke
Q: What do you get when you sit under a cow?
A: A pat on the head.
A: A pat on the head.
Funny Bird Joke
Q: What do you get when you cross a high chair and a bird?
A: A stool pigeon.
A: A stool pigeon.
Funny Woodpecker Joke
Q: What do you call a woodpecker with no beak?
A: A headbanger.
A: A headbanger.
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